Just in case no one told you told... I love you.

     I've been looking through my facebook memories everyday. In the last few weeks I've been reminded a lot of the events of 2010. Ten years ago was for me a year that was as personally difficult and this year has been globally for many. Or at least it felt like that to me.
   
     The year 2010 was full of such difficulty for me. For those who went through this with me may not have realized all that happened. It was full of lies about my origins by an  old "friend". I ministry I loved and work with was almost destroyed. My mom became ill which led to her death the following year. It was full of great loss. I was fired from a job I loved and had invested in for more than a decade, as a result I ended up working 5 part time jobs. I lost some young people well before their time. These are just a few of the things.

     I was teaching then (the job I lost). One of my students, who was also a part of the ministry I was working with, had lost hope and took his life. I was the class advisor for his class and this event shattered us to the core. I was reminded by one of his classmates yesterday, when he reacted to a facebook post, what I say to all of them and remind them then and even today.

    "Just in case no one has told you today... I love you"

   As I reflect on current events, I thought it might be a good time to tell you all how that started. The loss of this precious young man  effected so many. The school I taught at was small and very family like. Everyone knew everyone and because it was small close friendships were made across grades.

     In the days following this tragedy I spent a great deal of time trying to keep myself together as I was consoling and comforting his classmates and friends. In a "chat" (aol messenger 'cuz it's that long ago) I was talking with a young man who was friends with him and was hurting.. As I was closing the chat I told him I loved him.  For those who I've taught at school or church... you know I love you deep and hard... as many know... nothing can separate you from the love of Miss Pattie/ Momma Newman. Anyway, I told him I loved him. and there were no bouncing dots for a while and then he started typing. He wrote "wow, momma newman, no one has said that to me in such a long time." 
Thinking about that I started to wonder who else hadn't heard those words. I wondered if that young man we lost had heard it enough from people he wanted to hear it from... So I began to tell all the young people in my life that I loved them and told them often.  Just a note this isn't sloppy agape, luv ya man, kind of words, you can ask those who still to this day hear it from me

     So why bring this up now? As I look at the news and the events going on in the streets. I wonder how many of those people don't hear those words?

     I posted on Facebook "It's really ALL a heart issue". No real change will happen until hearts are changed. I look into the eyes of protester and see hurt, loss, misunderstanding and perhaps eyes missing hope and love.  I wonder about the rioters and their lives. I wonder when the last time they were shown love, told that they were loved. The young man I spoke to 10 yrs ago came from a great home, a loving family a safe place and he hadn't been told he was loved for a long time. Everyone needs to know that they are loved.

   So if you have made it this far in this blog, thanks for reading this. More importantly, stop reading  and go tell someone you love them. Don't think that "aww they know I love them, why should I say it.?" Maybe  now is the time they need to hear it, maybe they are lost, angry, hurting, or maybe they are having a year like I didn't 10 yrs ago. More importantly than telling them, show them, listen to them, hear what they are saying. 

    Now is the time to listen carefully, tell people we love them, and see if we can make a change.

     "A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a difficult time." (Prov 17:17)

    I can give this love because I am loved by God, I can be a tangible example of His love for the people of this world, all people. Don't get me wrong. I can love you but not what you do. When you know this kind of love, you can give it... If you want to know this kind of unconditional love, message me and I'll tell you more about it. 

That fateful day in May

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted

    and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

     This morning Psalm 38:18 was the first thing I read as I started my devo time. My heart pricked. My memories flooded back. You see 5 years ago today was the hardest, most hurtful day of my life. A day whose events gave me emotional and physical pain for months to come. But also a day where God's loving and compassionate hand was directing my path.
     
     Don and I woke up early that morning for what was going to be a day of adventure. Our daughter and her husband were returning from Guatemala and needed to be picked up at LaGuardia Airport later that evening so we headed to, as my facebook "memory" states, to do some exploring. 
     
     As some of you may know I'm adopted. A few years prior to this day I had found out who my birth mom was and had tried to reach out to her. She did not respond to phone calls, or letters.  This day I figured we just go to her home and knock... Gutsy I know. She lives in New Jersey and it was sort of on the way to New York (ok really not on the way but New Jersey is between PA and NY). We had left early enough to give plenty of time for a joyous reunion full of hugs and tears. Who wouldn't want to meet their daughter???

     We arrived late morning and prayed. My sweet husband decided that he should go and knock on her door and ask if she knew who I was and if she wanted to meet me.  So I sat in the car. Prayed. Shook with nerves and excitement..... This would be the day, closure, joy, reconciliation (that was my word for 2015). I waited. He knocked on the door. I was too far away to see her or hear anything. He asked her if he knew who I was.  She said no. He told her that I believed that I was her daughter and would she like to meet me. She said no and shut the door on him (verifying to me that I was hers). As he walked back to the car I could see her silhouette in her window looking at our car. Don walked slowly and I kept motioning with my hand thumbs up or down. He gave no response. I believe he was trying to figure out how to tell me that my own mother didn't want to meet me. 
    
    He got in the car and told me everything. I was numb. People at the Bible study I attended were the only ones who know of our plan and were praying all morning for this... How could this be?! Where is my happy ending. 

     My heart was broken. There was physical pain from this broken heart.

     So we drove. We drove to Long Island, to "home", to the place I grew up and was raised by the parents who loved me, who had chosen me, who wanted me but were now buried in the cemetery there. We drove a bit and ended up at my friend Wendy's house. She wasn't there but her husband was. We chatted and waited. When she came I poured out everything. 

     God knew this was the day that if this was to happen May 15 2015 would be the perfect day. God had ordained there to be a celebration that evening at the church I grow up at.  I celebration of the church's heritage, of all those who had been a part of it's history.  We went. I sat in the sanctuary next to Wendy and she turned to me and said "God knew what would happen today and knew where you needed to be. Surrounded by people who love you" (we talked about this day recently and she doesn't remember saying that, she was going through a trial of her own).  After the presentation we went to the "gym" where her and I had spent so much time. I was surrounded by people who were surprised and happy to see me, some who had loved me  from the time they heard my parents were going to adopt me. Only a few knew what had happened that morning. They all just loved on me. God knew where I needed to be. 

     We left and went to airport to pick up the kids. Still hurting, still numb. 

     The next few months my heart ached.  I was in such pain my body hurt. My Bible study was very surprised that there wasn't a happy ending. I started to tell people of the events. One person commented that I understand better than most the rejection Jesus felt on the cross. Some words helped, some didn't and as I was hurting, people went on. I cried most days. One day I had a wake up moment and realized I needed God's help, He needed to heal my broken heart. I was driving to work one day and saw the underpass I drive through everyday. During those rough patches in teenagedom I would often think of just driving into one and ending it. This day that thought crossed into my mind. For a few days I went a different way, And I started to tell people and they prayed. God had started to heal my heart and pain faded away.

     Now five years have passed. I've tried to reach out to her a few times, Sent pictures of her great grandsons, asked some medical questions. Still she is silent. I pray for her often. I stalk her on facebook once in a while (she rarely posts anything I can see)  I debate reaching out to two sisters that may not know I exist . So much joy has entered my life. Two adorable grandsons, a peaceful home on the mountain, a husband who protects, friends who remember and prayed for me today. 

      5-15-15 will always be a day that almost broke me.  But God saves the crushed in spirit.

      If you are broken, God loves you. No thing you go through can separate you from His love (Romans 8:31-39). And God, unlike my birth mom, will never reject you (Isaiah 49:15). If you knock on His door(Rev 3:30), He will know who you are, He knows your name (Isaiah 43:1),  He will embrace you with His amazing love. Restore to you joy (Psalm 51:8) and peace (Philippians 4:7) . 

     If you need to talk... I'll listen. But most importantly so will God. 

Picture taken from the Town Dock of my home town that week.

A place I can go and find peace.

My tulip is orange !!!!!

He is faithful and true!!!

It didn't bloom last year and didn't remember what color it was

The orange tulip

     The other day I woke up having dreampt about a decorative yard sign. I envisioned an orange metal tulip with the words "Holy Spirit is..." on one of the petals. It impressed me so much I googled to see if there was such a thing (and if I could buy one). By the way, there is not.

     I keep thinking about this tulip, It's been a few days and it keeps popping up in my mind. This morning I decided to do some research on possible biblical meanings of this vision. Perhaps this was given to me for a reason, for such a time as this, for me AND for His people. As I searched my heart started to race.  This won't be one of my longer posts but I believe this "vision" is powerful.

     I went to see if there were any tulips in the bible. They are not named as tulips but it is believed that the flowers mentioned in Song of Solomon 2:11-12a may be tulips.

                           See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone.

                           Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come

     Tulips do grow in Israel. They are a bit different than our hybrid ones and they are typically red.  When the winter passes and the rains are over... these flowers appear and it is a time for singing... Is winter over, this season of stillness and even death. Has this season of rain ended. This has been a very rainy season here in the north east of the US. Is it time for growth? For flowers to appear and for us to start to sing?

     As I said before, tulips in Israel are are red. This tulip was orange. I looked up the biblical meaning of orange. My heart beat a bit faster. Orange is a symbol of endurance, strength, of fire and flame. It is a combination of red - passion and yellow - wisdom. It is the fire of God, deliverance, passion and praise. A time for singing.!? 

     This tulip is metal. Sort of iron... wait what is iron used for in the bible? It is used to form weapons of warfare, for battle. We are in a battle right now. The words "Holy Spirit is.." were written on it. The Holy Spirit is our weapon to do battle here during this time. The Holy Spirit will make us strong for battle. 

     Take all this in consideration people. This tulip comes after winter has past, in a season of singing, with endurance, strength and wisdom. For us to be strong as we fight this battle and in the power of the Holy Spirit.

   I live in a higher elevation. Things bloom a bit later than what I'm used to when I lived in town. I'm still waiting for some of my tulips to bloom. Here are some pictures of them this cold May morning. They are waiting to sing

This last one is in the back of my house. Very much like the ones in Israel. 

Be strong... the time for singing is about to come.

A deer in a pandemic.

     We are living in a crazy time. Pandemonium in a Pandemic. We are to stay home and stay safe. Churches, schools are closed and events are canceled. I was reading my bible this morning and this made me think:

                      Psalm 42:1-5

       1 As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for You, my God, 
       2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God, when can I go and meet with God?
       3 My tears have been my food day and night, while people say to me all day long 
                              "Where is your God?"
       4 These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go to the house of God under the protection of the Mighty One with shouts of joy and praise among the festive throng
        5 Why, my soul, are you down cast? Why so disturbed within me?
            Put your hope in God. for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.

     A new friend from our new combined church posted on facebook:

                              "where would you go when this all goes back to normal?"
    
     My first thought was to church, with the fellowship of believers. Currently there are ways set up for us to connect with the "church" via facebook, zoom, online services etc. For me, these things only partly work. I am a deer panting to meet with God with my "family". Verse 2 asks the pandemic questions - "When can I go and meet with God ('s people)?" The struggle here is real for me (and perhaps for you too). I am a very social being.  When LORD? Authorities keep pushing "lift dates" and "transition times" and my heart sinks a bit. Verse 4 speaks of remembering going to the house of God, under His protection, with shouts of joy and praise like a festival. With the changes - merge - at my church there have been great shouts of joy and praise and a covering of God like we hadn't seen in some time. A mighty move and I miss this. Virtual meetings are good.. but well, I like the real deal. 

     Then comes verse 5. I want to speak for myself, I am down cast... not really on most days. I am, however, disturbed. Disturbed by the way some are acting in media (tv, news and social), attaching and pushing unrelated agendas, spewing lies or misconceptions all to feed fear and hate. Here's a thought... not everything you see, read etc. on media outlets are true or for your well being so be careful my friends.  Some of the stuff you see may do you more harm than good. Verse 5 finishes with what we ALL need. 

                    "Put your hope in God. for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God."

Where is your hope? Who can you praise in this crazy new world? Who can save us? 

                                                                Only One, God.
     
     You may see that I skipped verse 3... many are asking "Where is 'your' God?" saying that science alone will rescue us. While science is doing a great deal in this situation I want to say that there is nothing new under the sun (Ecc 1:9). Science has used and is using what has already been created to put into place what we need to come out of this ... AND WE WILL COME OUT. God is with us, if you woke up today, He is with you. If you are in quarantine,  He is with you. If you are in line for toilet paper, hand sanitize, Lysol wipes, He is with you. He is with you and is your hope for getting through this. 

     Oh, I may add here too... a btw... politicians, on either side, will not save or rescue us either... just saying.

    So I say this again,

                   "Put your hope in God. for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God."

Sunday morning I woke up and saw this... we had put out a salt lick to attract deer.. and it worked. There were 4 deer all together in my yard. Yes I said all together. a heard of deer, together. So as a deer... so do I ... pant to be together in person with my friends and family and my hope for this stands with God and God only

A time to weep and a time to laugh; A time to mourn and a time to dance.

Today I was thinking about friends who have been going through some devastating events in their lives. I, like many of you, have had some heart breaking things happen in my life, yes, even devastating things, things that gutted me to my core, things that hurt so badly that my heart physically was hurting.  When we go through those things, honestly there are people and friends I avoid because they are great to talk to about "it" but they always remind you how horrible whatever you are going through is... come on we all know those people. They mourn with those who mourn and weep with those who weep.. sometime I think the look for those who are weeping to make their own situations seem not as bad.  When you are done talking with them you feel worse.
  None of us have to go through what our friend may be going through to know how they feel. BUT, we have all gone through devastating things. There are things my friends have gone through that I look at and think .. man I would be gutted if that happened to me, I don't think I could ever handle that... and there are things that have happened to me that some might say the same things about. Their are degrees of devastating things but there are also degrees of how they may effect us... We've all had the thoughts when we see a friend going through what we have perceived as a little thing and they just can't function and think man it's just whatever this thing is... why an't they get over it??? or it happened so long ago, why can't they move on? We all have the different tools and abilities to cope in situations resulting in how we heal. But life continues.
  When many of us are struggling we wish we could go back to our "normal" life. The life we had before this tragic thing happened. Pondering "normal" this morning I was thinking about that idea of "normal" life. Events happen in our lives that change everything and I would want to never undo those events. Think about it. In the past few years my children graduated - my life changed, moved out - my life changed, married - my life changed and soon a grandchild will be arriving - my life will change. After each of these amazing things happened my "normal" life changed and I NEVER want to go back to that old normal life. So why do we want to go back to "normal" when bad things happen? I know because we didn't want those things to happen.  In these same years my mom and aunt passed away, I lost a job I loved, my son's marriage broke up and I faced a heart breaking moment when my birth mother refused to want to meet me.  I have done some grief counseling over the years and have explained what I've learned. When life hanging events happen.... life changes. What was once normal is no more and there is a new normal. (until a life changing events happens and then there is a new normal..... until a life changing thing happens and there is a new normal....until a life changing thing happens and there is a new normal get it? Life is always changing, if it wasn't that would be boring.
 So how do we handle it? Well the bible tells us that there is a time for everything, a time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance. While we may be in a mournful time.... sometimes there are still times to dance. When my son told me about a very difficult time in his life, I was hurting for him and losing sleep and hurting myself..... then that week my daughter told me I was going to be a grandmother.... I mourned and danced at the same time~!!! I gave myself permission to do both.  When we are mourning there should be no guilt when you dance or laugh. Those emotions are just as real as the weeping and mourning and DO NOT taking away from the life changing event that has hurt you to the core. The new normal changed your life but you see you're still alive and life continues around you. Do not misunderstand me. Mourn as much as you need to, cry as much as you need to, feel what you need to feel, they are valid feelings and need to be expressed. But.. remember to look up once in a while and see life around you.... laugh at funny things, dance to music. Live a new normal life. (until life changes and there is a new normal).
Psalm 3:3 says "But you oh LORD are a shield about me, my glory and the lifter of my head"
Look to our Heavenly Father and He will lift our head so we, in our pain, can see the times to dance and to laugh. And also to see those how mourn and weep so we can encourage them that they are not alone and can some day face their new normal and see the dance.

Love vs. consequences

  The other day I had an interview of sorts and was asked to describe myself. I said a few things then quoted what some of said about me... that nothing can separate you from the love of Miss Pattie. Not to boast of myself but to boast of Christ in me, I have striven to be an example of how Jesus would love you. Those who have experienced this know that once you are in my heart.... ya don't leave... What you do doesn't not effect how much I love you. With that in mind... because you know I love you.... I can usually get away with "kicking you in the pants" when you do stupid... or sinful things.  I, being an ambassador of Jesus,  will also not condemn you when you're "stupid" or making stupid choices. 

So... I do a lot of thinking while I walk Punim (aka puppy) and was thinking of the verses about nothing separating us and therefore there is no condemnation. I finished the walk (and her her business) and went to google those verses. You know how verses get into your head, you know them by heart but don't remember their addresses. Well I looked these two up and had a wow moment. Did you remember that both of them are not only in the same book of the Bible but the same chapter!!!!!! 

We find in Romans 8:38-39 (NLT)

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.  No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

And Romans 8:1

Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

I "pondered" on these verses for a while... and wanted to write a thought or two. It's so easy to take these verses out of context and just think I can do anything because He won't stop loving me and I won't be condemned.. 

WRONG

True there is no condemnation and He loved you so much that He gave His life as a perfect sacrifice. Nothing changes that fact in Christ. However, nowhere does it say that because of those things there won't be consequences  for what you did. You see, He loves you so much that there will be consequences for what you did. The degree is up to Him. The old adage, "you play with fire you get burned" is true. The degree of burn is up to Him. 

Don't think the Jesus (or Miss Pattie ;)  )  has stopped loving you because of your consequences of your actions... He will love you through them all trying to make you (and me) more into His image. A reflection of His unfailing, sacrificial love to those in your path. 

I once went through a very difficult series of events, one after another, and I strove to get through the fire and come out not smelling like smoke.  I challenge you to do the same.